Happy Fathers Day

Today is Father’s Day, and S&R would like to wish a happy one to America’s dads.

At the same time, and in the contrary spirit that often typifies what we do around here, I’d like to be the one who acknowledges that our relationships with our fathers are often less than we’d hope for. Frankly, some dads are complete ********, and in many cases they’re probably at least a complex mixed bag. And why not – being a parent is hard, I’m told. This basic reality makes the guys who get it right even more worthy of our love and respect.

So this is dedicated to everybody out there today honoring the institution of fatherhood under protest, and in particular it goes out to my little sisters, Marty and Cindy, who shared the experience of Norris G. Smith with me. I laugh as best I can, and I try to be honest about the ambivalence of it all.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I’ve learned from him, one way or another. And what I didn’t.

My dad taught me all kinds of great stuff. How to ride a two-wheel bike (he taught my mom, too, after he gave her her first bike when she was 16). How to shoot pictures with his Kodak 35mm camera from the 1950s (I used that camera until I graduated from high school in 1980, when he bought me my first 35mm camera). How to change my oil and my tires and my motherboard. How to run a new electrical outlet and connect it to a new breaker. How to bleed brake lines.

That the only race is “human.” I tested him on that and he passed.

But I might have learned the most from what he tried–so hard–to teach me that I had a hard time with. When I was 12 or 13, I really struggled with math. Specifically algebra. Letters are NOT numbers. Math is done with numbers. And what’s this business with the minus signs? I just did not get it. So he tried to teach me. Every evening. To no avail. But I did cry a lot. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, but was probably only a few weeks of torture, he got out his big American Heritage Dictionary and told me to look up “perseverance.” I, of course, refused. I knew it had to be some sort of synonym for “stupid.” We went round and round and I finally gave in. Of course I learned that it meant to not give up. That was his greatest lesson to me. It turned out to be everywhere.

There is a lesson that I did not learn directly–how to stay with someone for over 50 years (they made it, if you count their courtship and engagement). How to be truly self-sacrificing, giving, loving, and faithful through the thin and REALLY thick. Through the hospitals, doctors, children’s marriages (OK, so mostly mine), children’s divorces (OK, so mostly mine again), and all the moves. But they did teach me how to hang in there with the right person (who I finally found). To hold hands for 50 years. To still kiss hello and goodbye. To say “I love you.”

He taught me to appreciate and study current events. To love documentaries and non-fiction. To follow politics, be skeptical, but vote like it means something. To be able to read, understand, and follow directions.

In the end, I wish I had learned how to have the Hard Conversation. The one that starts out, “Dad, you don’t seem to be doing so well. Do you want to talk about your death?” I never did that. I really wish I had. I wish I had known, at the end, what he wanted as a memorial (for the record, I want to be a Reef Ball). I didn’t know how. We did the best we could, but we didn’t really know. Part of it gets back to the perseverance thing. He was so fixed on living that it seemed to be inappropriate to discuss his dying–even in the midst of it. For 25 years, he taught me about perseverance by living it.

So, along with all of the lessons that he actively taught, I take away the ones he taught inadvertently: Show affection to those you love. Have the difficult conversations. Acknowledge your mortality and prepare for it. Live every day you are given. Appreciate the mysteries of life and share them with others. Keep learning.

Happy Father’s Day, Daddy. I’d like to think you are hanging out with Einstein, getting all those answers you always wanted.

Today is also the day where we celebrate the uniqueness of our fathers, as no two dads are alike. In fact, there are many different types – the “cool” father, the “don’t get on the wrong side of me” pop, and of course the “don’t tell your mother” dad.

It is not just in humans that fathers show such a wide degree of parenting styles, as the same is true in the animal kingdom.

The thing is, the role of being a father is often overlooked in many animals – they deposit their sperm and leave, their job complete, and leave the rest of it up to the female. While it may often be the case that the biggest role an animal father has in their offspring’s life is the sperm they donate, some animal dads do go the extra mile and exceed all expectations. However, let us first look at some dads who are, quite frankly, not the greatest role models out there.

Image Credits:

1) Photo of Male Lion posted to Wikimedia Commons by Tony Brierton (Creative Commons license). 2) Photo of Grizzly Bear posted to Wikimedia Commons by Shellie (Creative Commons license). 3) Photo of Pygmy marmoset posted to Wikimedia Commons by Malene Thyssen (Creative Commons license). 4) Photo of Rhea posted to Wikimedia Commons by LadyofHats (Creative Commons license). 5) Photo of Ostrich posted to Wikimedia Commons by Nicor (Creative Commons license). 6) Photo of Red Fox posted to Wikimedia Commons by Alan D. Wilson (Creative Commons license). 7) Photo of Seahorse posted to Wikimedia Commons by Joanne Merriam (Creative Commons license).