ISIS has their own 24/7 help desk. Imagine how that works:
[RECORDED MESSAGE]: Thank you for contacting the ISIS Jihadi Help Desk. We are currently experiencing higher than normal call volume. Please wait and your inquiry will be answered in the order that it was received. This call may be monitored for customer service and Jihadi training purposes.
JIHADI: [audible sigh].
[MANY ISIS ANTHEMS RIFFING OFF OF BILLBOARD 100 HITS LATER…]
BJOFH: ISIS Jihadi Helpdesk, Mohammed speaking, how may I help you?
JIHADI: Finally! I thought someone would never answer! I’ve been sitting here sweating bullets and listening to the same infidel hold music over and over.
BJOFH: My sincerest apologies, sir. Someone hit “reply-all” on an operational email, and that really lit up our switchboard this morning. Also, most of the encrypted email services we use are under attack by some other terrorist group and are offline at the moment.
JIHADI: Too bad for them. Seriously, you guys call this 24/7 support?? I’ve been parked on this couch for hours waiting for some son-of-a-dog to answer!
BJOFH: [Pause. Deep breath.]…Well, you’ve got me now, sir. What can I do to…er…for you?
JIHADI: Right. So I’ve got a hardware problem. This itchy vest I have on..it keeps beeping, really loud. It’s getting super annoying, and I’ve got to have some quiet prayer…you know….me-time…pretty soon now, understand?
BJOFH: Yes, I see. Well, good news, brother! I think I can help you. Tell me…is there a mobile phone attached to the vest?
BJOFH: [Pause. Deep breath.]…Well, you’ve got me now, sir. What can I do to…er…for you?
JIHADI: Right. So I’ve got a hardware problem. This itchy vest I have on..it keeps beeping, really loud. It’s getting super annoying, and I’ve got to have some quiet prayer…you know….me-time…pretty soon now, understand?
BJOFH: Yes, I see. Well, good news, brother! I think I can help you. Tell me…is there a mobile phone attached to the vest?
JIHADI: [inaudible…fumbling with receiver]….uh..yeah there is..Huh…feels like there’s one sewn into the left inside pocket.
BJOFH: So, I’m going to try something on my end. Sit tight, and I’ll be right back.
JIHADI: [pause] Uh…okay. But don’t be gone so long this time!
BJOFH: [one minute later]…Thanks for holding. Yeah, looks like I’m going to have to go ahead and troubleshoot this issue a bit more. Can you do me a favor and call me from the vest phone?
JIHADI: Uh..wait, through the jacket, you mean?
BJOFH: Yes, sir. My desk line here is 1-866-GO-JIHAD.
JIHADI: Okay. But it’s kinda hard to reach the keypad. So many wires….
BJOFH: Totally fine, sir. Take your time. You should still be able to feel the phone’s keypad through the pocket fabric.
JIHADI: Okay yeah, I think I got it. So how do I send the call?
BJOFH: If your vest is the model I think it is, the “Send Message” button should be the big one in the middle above the keypad.
JIHADI: [Fumbling with the phone] Okay, is it ringing?
BJOFH: [Line rings in background] Yep, got it, thanks. Okay, now I’m going to call you back.
JIHADI: Okay.
BJOFH: Great. Do me a favor and just wait until the phone rings at least once before answering, okay?
JIHADI: Fine, whatever. Just…today, maybe?
BJOFH: You bet. Go JIHAD!
JIHADI: Wait a second! how do I answer…[fumbling with the receiver]
[Vest phone rings. Line goes dead].
I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you.
"Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the Government take care of him; better take a closer look at the American Indian." - Henry Ford
Corruptissima re publica plurimae leges; When the Republic is at its most corrupt the laws are most numerous. - Publius Cornelius Tacitus
