Bad Habits That Control Us!

AlpineMike,
Reading through the posts makes it quite clear that those who search and try to understand their feelings find various ways of expressing them. Whether it is addictive habits that obscure emotional stress or allow one to suppress pain or need for love, or for whatever one may need help matters not. Only the quest for understanding, facing and resolving one's issues constitutes the essence. It takes huge amounts of courage to not only acknowledge that one has an issue, much less seek professional help, especially when you are the type of person who is self reliant no matter how great the problem faced. You are not alone in this. Everyone needs to be loved, and those with a love void in early life may well need to be shown and crave love more than those who whose memories of love are rich. Call it a vice or simply a way of dealing with a fundamental need that remains unfulfilled matters not unless our very actions obstruct the love we seek. Relationships are dynamic and that is why they are such a huge challenge. Just when you think you have it figured out, the rules of engagement change. With change comes unchartered territory, stress and likely reversion to bad habits that serve to carry us through rough periods. I for one withdraw into myself because therein lies my known quantity of dealing with life. It wouldn't be so bad if I did not project my feelings on others thinking they too feel like I do.. wanting to withdraw because it's easier than facing the pain of reality and dealing with it. There you have it, retreat to the independence, toward shutting out the very love we seek and then not knowing how to go forward comfortably from there. My bad habit leads to a breakdown in communication and only adds to the existing strife. In essence i spin a cocoon of isolation when all I really want is the opposite, Sad.

AM, you bring up some good points in a way I hadn't ever phrased them. Like: "Not resolving an emotional need can bring on an addiction habit."

That's so true! And "Memory tension"! You hit the nail on the head, I think.
Thanks!

Just had another thought. Bad habits clearly may have many origins. Some have a genetic cause, some originate through peer pressure, pain may be the driving force, and now I think parenting may also contribute significantly. Mulling over AM's confession of having "a hard time recognizing the need for love and support, and when I do I'm too proud to ask for it." it struck me that many men have this issue and that this is an outgrowth of how we bring up boys. We encourage them to be strong and independent, to overcome pain by dealing with it as a "man". To seek comfort and support makes us babies, so we learn to shun asking for help in dealing with issues. Quite the opposite holds for girls. Do we not foster "bad habits" such as a failure to seek comfort or engage in relationships especially at times when we need to do so most of all? Does this not contribute to men being emotionally crippled because we learn to tune out the signs of the need for love and support not only in ourselves but others? Some contend that "men will never understand women". Why should that be? Does this too have it's roots partially in how we are brought up? By asking these questions I clearly ma beginning to think we need to depart from dogmatic child-rearing perspectives as they may well underpin the development of some bad habits.

Some great points by all of you! I appreciate all you have said.

The causes of self destructive patterns of behavior are difficult to recognize by the person who is self destructing. The curtains of the mind hide from us what is obvious to the onlooker. Rockdoc Franz has hit upon a subject that is deeper than is commonly recognized.
Without soliciting for any hint of sympathy or compassion from the reader, let me relate my passage into resposibility and escape from self destruction in my youth. If the story smacks of hogwash to you, then at least enjoy the tale and its telling.

At about the age of two, I contracted several diseases concurrently from being exposed to other sick children by my mother and grandmother who were applying the age old practice of "controlled confinement". If a neighboring kid becomes sick with a childhood disease, and it is convenient for you at the moment to nurse your child then you take your child and expose him to the sick child. In this manner you can get all of the childhood diseases over with while he is young and at your convenience. Problem solved! My mother most probably thought that if one disease is good, then several should be wonderful (at least I hope that was her thinking). So simultaneously I was exposed to whooping caugh, chicken pox, measles, mumps. Needless to say, I was sick. Sick to the edge of death.

Indians are poor and my family did not stray from this way of life. My dad was chronically unemployed and my mother could not care for me because of her caring for my siblings so I was taken to nurse by my dad's mother and my mom's mother. We had no doctors. I have no memory of this and would not know anything of my childhood except that my mom's mother ("Grandma", to me) related to me this story whenever I was 30 years old.

As Grandma told me, she cared for me whenever I was confined with my sickness at its worst phases. She said that it was a deathwatch. That I had lost so much weight that you could see my insides through the skin on my stomach. That whenever I coughed (this is embarassing) that my insides would come out my rectum and would have to be stuffed back up inside of me.

After I survived, my other grandmother took me in and fed me. My dad's mother was a stern woman. That is about all I can say about her. Whenever she took me in I could no longer walk and had to learn this skill again. I was shuffled back and forth between my grandmothers for a little less than 2 years. During this time any attachment to my parents was lost by me, I guess.

My memories of childhood begin at about 5 years of age. And it is a detached life that I remember. I have absolutely no emotional attachments to my dad or mom, brothers or sisters. And I have no emotional divisions from them either. More than anything else I am an observer, a detached observer. No childhood friends. Introverted with no desire to touch or be touched. I have never been kissed or hugged by my mother. All I have ever heard my dad's mother call my dad's father was "Mr. ......." and all I ever heard my mom's mother call my mom's father was "Sir".

Then came the Army, Vietnam, and college. By the time I got to college there was no fear, hate, remorse, guilt, or emotional reserve. Destructive behavior began with a vengence. No man was my master. No law was my boundry. By the age of 25 every area of my life was in shambles. It came to an epiphany whenever I was flat on my back in bed with sickness, unemployed, the FBI hounding me, a fortune in attorney's fees, my wife packing up the kids to leave, my car being repossessed. All this at once. This was the moment.

I realized that I was destroying myself. It was all my doing. I could not point to one thing that was my undoing but every thing. I knew that success in life was not one big success, but the accumulation of small successes. And that failure in life was not one big failure but the accumulation of multitudes of small failures. No failure by itself is that big of a deal but many failures added together was overwhelming. Gestalt psychology: The whole is greater than the sum of the parts.

So at this crossroads I started doing everything that was right. I stopped speeding in my car. If the lawn needed mowing, I did not put it off but did it immediately. Paid my bills immediately. Stopped cursing. Started considering the feelings of my wife and kids. Quit drugs. Quit all illegal activities. Started being friendly to people.

I made daily lists of things that needed to be done, and did them. Set goals for my life, both professionally and personally. This was not done from emotional necessity but from logic of cause and effect.

Forgive me for not being able to explain myself with more effect, but in a nutshell my emotional void did not allow me to restrain myself in my youth. Children need to be raised, without interruption, to be able to love and feel.

major bean, thank you for sharing your story. I commend you for your turn-around! I know firsthand some of what you speak of if not exactly, at least in some way. I too, was very logical and linear at the time of my own turning point and the need for changing myself, for changing where I was heading came from an overwhelming desire to learn how to connect with others, to love and to be loved.

You are correct in stating how an emotional void doesn't allow for restraint. There is an element of "Who cares?" that allows for a freedom that can be so self-destructing. Again, thank you for sharing. Takes a lot of guts to do that on a public forum. I'm glad you're good now, I'm glad you made it through your illnesses physically and I'm especially glad that you saved yourself.

My question has always been: What drives some to take that first step to change while others don't--even when they have loved ones begging, pleading and demanding that they do something different? Maybe it's just that. I never had anyone kick me in the butt and tell me to straighten up. I did it myself. Packed up, hit the road for a year and landed here. But why? Intersting topic, this one is!

Thank you Rockdoc Franz and Major Bean! I was absorbed with a sense of self-being and self-impact with your posts! I really like this thread.
I'm now spilling thoughts I have indirectly but keeping on subject.
I know that bad habits can form in many ways and some without recognizable signs. Communication is a big one that is hard to recognize, especially if you are the one lacking communication. This topic can become very deep, especially if someone is to be intervened. Major bean has a good point about how personal problems are caused by your own interpretation and approach in dealing with the challenges. I discovered I can wake up in the morning and choose to take the day as good or bad. If I choose good, good will happen even if the day does not go my way. If I choose bad, everything is bad, including the good. Choosing to take the bad attitude approach can really give a viable excuse to support a bad habit, than the decision to decline the habit will be null and void. Yet if I choose to have a good day, or even a great day, the day will turn for good tidings. Good days bring love and compassion to all people and things around you. I find good days are very productive and many new tasks will emerge from nowhere. These new tasks will most likely keep you so busy that there is little time for an addictive or bad habit. Now it becomes time to choose the new task over the old routine that was the self-destruction.

One of the things that I found helpful for me living in a pretty bad environment as a kid, was helping others! My mom never gave my sister Deb or I any attention growing up. She didn't know how, she was married to her bottle. All I knew at 10 years of age, I didn't want to be like her. I was ashamed of bringing friends home. I tried that once and she was staggering all over the place and talking nonsense, to my horror of course. My sister was drawn into my mothers bad habits, I was running as fast as I could to get away. So, in order to keep out of the house during the summer, I was hiding in the garage, or going over to friends homes. My friends parents knew what Deb and I went through, back then you never talked about it. I would help neighbors mow yards, trim hedges, do errands, just to get some praise for someone, anyone! I was known on our block for being one of the sweetest kids, at home, one of the most hated kids. I fought against everything my mom did as the youngest boy. So, you wonder with today's kids, how do they deal with their parents alcoholism?

I was visiting my uncle in Duluth, Minnesota 10 years ago, he was in his late 70's, both my parents had passed by then. He brought up the subject of about my parents heavy drinking. He said, "we all knew what you kids were going through", I looked at him and said "really!" "Uncle Chet, if you knew what was going on, why didn't you do anything about it?" Then I said, "did you know about the beatings that Deb and I going were through for years?" He said yes, he did, all your aunts and uncles knew. Back then, members of the family didn't dare get involved. He said he was sorry, yet..that didn't make me feel any better.

Bad habits can damage, and make lasting wounds. I feel its how we deal with them as adults, sure I could keep being angry at my parents, hold a grudge. That's not who I am. I am forgiving them and moving on. I learned a valuable lesson from my parents, and my sister. I have to take control of my actions, and encourage others they can do the same. Yes, it will take some work. If you stick with it, the results can be fantastic. I have helped many lose weight, some over a 100 lbs. They feel like new people, their families are amazed by the courage it took to stick to exercising. I have helped people rebuild their lives after a divorce. You don't have to be stuck in a poor relationship, if there is danger from beatings, drugs, or adultery, then don't let your spouses bad habits destroy you. Each of you have brought up some great points. The one question I would ask each of you is this? What was the hardest part of braking a bad habit. The planning, the accountability partner, seeing light at the end of the tunnel, what was the part that almost broke you? Just wondering..

DrMike wrote: Each of you have brought up some great points. The one question I would ask each of you is this? What was the hardest part of braking a bad habit. The planning, the accountability partner, seeing light at the end of the tunnel, what was the part that almost broke you? Just wondering..

Thanks Dr. Mike for the topic and input of this discussion.
To answer your question, I would say the "part that almost broke me" from quitting my addictive habit became most challenging.
Peer pressure or people around with the same habit using made my quitting of the addictive habit (and it was apparent I was addicted) very difficult . Chewing tobacco was a long term struggle to not give in the temptation of breaking back into the habit. When I first quit chewing tobacco it was becoming more noticeable when ANYONE was chewing or smoking. I started seeing ALL the signs of use I have never noticed before from strangers. I could point out a tobacco chewer in the store, gas station, or any public place because they had the same style or habit technique. It was surreal.

major bean wrote: The causes of self destructive patterns of behavior are difficult to recognize by the person who is self destructing. The curtains of the mind hide from us what is obvious to the onlooker.

Even with all the temptation, I was able to quit "cold turkey". I have not touched chewing tobacco for four years and one month as of this February.
That being said...
I have to admit I had a viable reason to quit, that being the thought I may have been getting cancer of the gums. I had a white patch on my gum line right where I stuff the tobacco in my lower lip. I quit right then and there. Weeks and months went by and it was still there. I never went to the doctor but just kept hoping it would just go away. After about a year the white patch went away. The light at the end of the tunnel was my hope for no cancer and was my crutch to keep from chewing. Apparently it worked but was anything but easy. Now I must work on other habits I have in order to better myself even more.
Thank you Dr. Mike for your great question.

AlpineMike, great response. I am so glad you kicked the habit my friend. Its amazing, how physical changes can help us deal with our bad habits. You had the white patch, and wisely quit on the spot. How many of us, have the physical waning's yet continue on our way to self-destruction. My dad was a career army col. He smoked constantly. My memories of him were with a cigg in his hand reading the paper. Then when I went to college, that's when I realized how his smoking affected me in so many ways, no more smell of smoke in my clothes, hair or in my car. I loved it!

Then, one day my mom called and said, "has dad told you why he quit smoking?" I said "No." I thought that was kinda strange. Well, when I went home for spring break, my dad didn't smoke one cigarettes the entire time I was there! I finally asked him why he quit. He said, he felt like it. I was happy even ecstatic about it. But, something just wasn't right. You know that gut feeling you get when something is out of place in the living room, someone moved something. That's what I was feeling. I couldn't put a finger on it, but that feeling lingered while I went back to school after spring break.

The I called my dad in early April, mom said he was busy and would call back later. No call back that day, so I called again the next day and asked for my dad, my mom said he was at the grocery store. I asked her, could you please have dad call me. No call. The third day, I finally said to my mom, where is dad? And I demand to speak to him right now! She hesitated, and finally told me the truth, that my dad was in the hospital. Why, I asked? He has some kind of lung infection. I got the number and called my dad's room, and asked him what was going on!

That's when my dad's story played out. He went and got a physical, and the doc told him that he needed to get his lungs checked out. So he ordered a chest x-ray and found the mass. So, what did my dad do, he stopped smoking on the spot. But his mass didn't go away. We lost him 3 weeks later from his lung cancer surgery. He had complications from the surgery. The one question that still haunts me today is this. I asked my dad this question, "Dad, how do you feel now that you have lung cancer? His remark, was "I wished I had never smoked" His bad habit killed him and he knew it. How many of us get that second chance that AlpineMike got? Believe it or not, we get them everyday! If your overweight, eat less and move more. Its simple math my friends. We all have some form of bad habits. It may not be a physical issue, it may be, we just watch to much television. Or, we are lazy at work, and don't do a job we have been paid for. Its amazing on the clients I see in my office. The heart breaking stories of failures brought on by our bad habits. I would like to hear from you, and share with us, what do you see as bad habits? Maybe in yourself, others you love, things that drive you nuts! Thanks for being a part of this thread everyone. Nice to see we are not alone..