The Easy Way Out By Dr. Michael Brooks

The Easy Way Out (Part 1) By Dr. Michael Brooks

As I sat and listened to a distraught wife yelling at her husband of 10 years asking him why didn’t he wasn’t willing to fight for their marriage. He sat motionless and unwavering. He stared at the office clock like it was the last seconds of a tied playoff game and his team was about to give up the winning score. He wanted out of my office, his body language was speaking loud and clear. Arms folded, leaning back in the chair and legs stretched out. He was not listening to his wife whatsoever. She was crying, begging, pleading, and groveling just to get him to talk with her. He agreed to sit down with her for one hour and listen to what she had to say. When the hour was up, he stood up then looked at me thanking me for my time and headed out the door.

The wife watched him walk out the door and then ran out after him pleading with him to stay with her and the kids. He made no effort to look at her and opened his truck door got in and drove off. She looked at me and then watched as her husband drove out of sight. We went back into the office and sat down and talked. I had given her a game plan to make this a productive talk and she said that she would listen to what he had to say. It was anything but the game plan. She didn’t stay on track and sounded so desperate and whiney. When you negotiate and present the facts of why you want to save your marriage, you must have a plan, and you must listen to the other side and work the plan.

If you want to save your marriage you need to sit down and write out all the pro’s and con’s on a sheet of paper. Write down important dates, the reason why you want to remain married and how you will work on improvements for yourself to be a healthy partner. When a marriage starts to go bad, usually there are warning signs. There are complaints from your spouse and these usually go unnoticed by you and you rarely respond to them. There will be attention grabbers like (episodes of silent treatments) or not doing the normal things you would do for your spouse (these could be from not making the morning coffee to making dinner for you). There will be less physical touch from them, less holding hands, the neck rubs maybe you would get or give while watching TV will not happen. The signs are there but seldom acted on. Pay close attention if these warning signs are there!

I want to tell you, if you notice anything that may seem like one of these signs, act on it. Ask questions of your spouse and fix what the problem is, don’t ignore the symptoms. Learn how to communicate issues in your marriage. They don’t just go away, they fester and will get out of control. I really believe most divorces can be prevented if couples knew how to communicate better and at deeper levels. The surface talks will not fix anything in your marriage. Someone has to take the initiative in confronting the issues in your marriage. Marriage problems just don’t go away and waiting for the perfect time to talk about them never happens. You need to make a meeting time happen so that you can sit down and privately talk things over.

Be open and honest about the issues and struggles that you are facing in your marriage. You personally need a plan before you sit down and talk. If you have a solid based plan you will eliminate the confusion these talks can create and hopefully prevent your spouse from taking the “Easy Way Out.” Most sit down meetings that have a plan and purpose will work and will open healthy communication between the two of you. If you’re unorganized and bunny trail during your meeting, then that also speaks of the state of your marriage. It shows that you’re in disarray and unable to communicate effectively.

Most people think that sitting down and talking with your spouse is bad, it will lead to awful and painful discussions. Not necessarily so, if you have things to work on and need to make some changes for a better marriage, then it’s well worth the investment of being uncomfortable for the short time.

Next week, I will be giving you tips on how to deal with the “the easy way out” individual. These tips are valuable tools that will help you in your communication skills.

Do you fear confrontation and will avoid it at any cost, even if it complicates your relationship with your spouse? Do you feel that taking the path of least resistance is painful and has hurt you in the past? Would you like help in being able to stand up and address taking the easy way out? If you answered yes to any of these question, give me a call; I can help you.
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Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and Life Coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of getting the help you need. Give Dr. Mike a call! You'll be glad you did!

Dr. Michael Brooks
Applicable Counseling & Coaching Services
Web: www.applicablecoaching.com
Blog: applicablecoaching.com/blog.php
Web: idontwantthisdivorce.com/
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The Easy Way Out (Part 2) By Dr. Michael Brooks

This week, we will be giving you tips on how to better communicate with someone who avoids confrontation and tries to bail on you when you want to talk.

I am asked on a regular basis, what is the best way to communicate effectively without poking my spouse in the eye with some of my questions? That is a great question. Here are some of my tips for good sound communication:

• Have a list of well thought out questions that are consistent with the issues in your relationship
• Don’t get side tracked and stay on topic
• Don’t interrupt your spouse while they are speaking
• Listen to what is being said and respond accordingly
• Have suggested solutions to talk about
• Ask questions and clarify your responses
• Be honest in your responses
• When ending your conversation make sure that you’re good to go

I feel the number one reason for divorce is the lack of communication and not knowing how to work through marriage problems. The person who wants the “easy way out” will not want to sit down and talk. They will blow you off with either sarcastic remarks or avoid any serious talks with you. That’s why you need to start talking when you see issues starting to crop up in your marriage. It’s so much easier to deal with any problem in your relationship in the early stages rather than towards the end. Better to be in counseling to work on your marriage and not in your divorce lawyer’s office.

Communications starts with you. If your communication skills are lacking, I would suggest that you get some coaching on how to better express the needs that you desire in your marriage. Communication is key in resolving any conflict in your marriage. First of all, not all conflict is bad. If you regularly have talks about your relationship you eliminate big fights. Being open and honest with your feelings is very important. If you’re honest, you don’t have to lie about the way you feel.

So let’s say you’re trying to talk to your spouse and they have no interest in communicating with you. How do I handle that problem? I simply suggest that you need to clear the air and talk with your spouse and let them know that you’re struggling with some personal and marital issues within the relationship and that you need their input and want to talk about it. Have a plan that will allow you to share your concerns yet not make your spouse feel they were verbally attacked. Your Presentation is key here. Talk softly, be calm and be gentle and present your thoughts and concerns.

Your goal here is to be able to provide a safe place for both of you to talk and share solutions for repairing your marriage.
Next week, I would like to show you how ignoring or avoiding marriage problems could be the demise of your marriage. Making a marriage stronger takes work but is well worth the effort.

Do you fear confrontation and will avoid it at any cost, even if it complicates your relationship with your spouse? Do you feel that taking the path of least resistance is painful and has hurt you in the past? Would you like help in being able to stand up and address taking the easy way out? If you answered yes to any of these questions, give me a call; I can help.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and Life Coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You'll be glad you did!

The Easy Way Out (3) By Dr. Michael Brooks

As I look at the people I work with today, many feel that ignoring their marriage problems will go away. The “easy way out” crowd will walk away from it and not give it a second thought. These folks want nothing to do with resolving any problems. Many of us don’t know how to spot the “easy way out” people until it’s too late. Once you know who these people are, be very careful in having any emotional, or business dealings with them. Here are some of my tips in recognizing these people:
• Caviler attitudes towards others
• Will find excuses not to commit to people or projects
• At the slightest confrontation, they will avoid the person who is the person wanting answers from them
• Will let you down emotionally time after time
• Prefer to always take the easy road
• Will put barriers in front of commitment
• They will commit to people or projects until they are called on to help or get involved and not show up or call you

In many divorces, the “easy way out” person will not make any effort to talk with you and resolve the marriage problems but seek out a lawyer and file divorce papers on you. They will not face their spouse or even talk with them about why they are filing. Their reason is this, they don’t want any emotional attachment to you, so filing and having their lawyer take care of the legal matters is all this individual wants. They will do things underhanded things just to be done with you. They move things out of the house when the other person is not at home. They will start closing accounts and moving money. They simply don’t like to argue or have any confrontation.

I know of a couple who seemed to have a good marriage and then one day the man moved out of the house leaving his wife wondering what just happened. She was devastated and heart broken. She waited a few days and tried calling him. He avoided her and went through his lawyer for any correspondence he thought she needed from him. She was served with separation papers and eventually divorce papers. His “easy way out” was to hire a lawyer to end his marriage and continue to be involved with another married woman. The “easy way out” destroys people, families, and relationships. I call it the cowards way of dealing with life’s problems. This isn’t the answer nor is it good for the person on the receiving end of someone trying to avoid conflict.

I know several people who will take the easy way out because that’s their nature and avoid strife of any kind. They are weak in their marriages and get walked over constantly. Instead of sticking up for themselves they cave in and get beat up emotionally. The easy way isn’t always the best way. Those that take the “easy way out” suffer in silence until they break and move on never looking back.

Do you fear confrontation and will avoid it at any cost, even if it complicates your relationship with your spouse? Do you feel that taking the path of least resistance is painful and has hurt you in the past? Would you like help in being able to stand up and address taking the easy way out? If you answered yes to any of these questions, give me a call. I can help you today. My number is 303.880.9878.

Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and Life Coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You'll be glad you did!

The Easy Way Out (Part 4) By Dr. Michael Brooks

For those of you married to someone who takes “the easy way out” there are things you can do to help ease your pain. First of all, I know many of you would like to know how to confront those who take the easy path from any form of confrontation. I think if you have a workable thought-out plan that would help you in deciding how you should react and talk to the “the easy way out” person. At least you would have some control in your relationship, right? Here are a few of my tips that might help you:

• When dealing with “the easy way out” person, make sure your plan is detailed, and you know it well.
• When talking with them, don’t have a hidden agenda. Be open and honest with them. Most likely if you just drop something on them they will bail on your conversation.
• Stick to facts and figures. Be tactful on how you present your position. Don’t talk down to them or badger them into answering your questions.
• Ask if they understand your questions. You can’t force someone to be a part of your discussion if they aren’t willing to talk, end it on the spot if you don’t you will only get aggravated and angry.
• Clarify and listen to responses carefully. Miscommunication is the number one problem in understanding each other.
• If the person you’re speaking with decides that the talk is over and they get up and leave, don’t grovel, beg and plead for them to continue a conversation they have no interest in.

I believe most people want to be able to clarify their position and resolve the personal conflict between each other. How you do it is key. If you know the person that you will be talking to hates any form of confrontation, let them know that confrontation is not that bad. Where it becomes a problem is when people start making faces, raise their voice, have poor body language and presentation, etc. In actuality, 10%, of how people will respond to you is based on what you say. The other 90% is entirely nonverbal and where people get upset. Pointing fingers, making facial expressions while someone is talking to you is not going to help your cause. Best to be sincere and non-combative when confronting someone.

From the clients that I’ve worked with and observed when couples confront each other, it’s best to let the (spouse you are confronting) know that you have their best interests at heart as well as yours. That avoiding a talk that has confrontation in it will never resolve anything. Get it done and out of the way. Be careful in what you say and how you say it. That’s very important for having good communication. In closing, make sure that you don’t avoid talking with your spouse, confront in love, respect answers that your spouse shares with you. Be patient with the one who is not a very good communicator. Good communication takes time and practice. You can do it!!!

Do you fear confrontation and will avoid it at any cost, even if it complicates your relationship with your spouse? Do you feel that taking the path of least resistance is painful and has hurt you in the past? Would you like help in being able to stand up and address taking the easy way out? If you answered yes to any of these questions, give me a call; I can help you today. My number is 303.880.9878.
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Dr. Michael Brooks is the founder of Applicable Counseling and Life Coaching Services. It is affordable, accessible, anonymous and available by appointment from the privacy of your home. To avoid travel time and the comfort of home, many clients prefer to meet with Dr. Mike over the phone or via Skype. The convenience of this type of Counseling/Coaching is the most effective means of Life Coaching for those who live outside of the Denver-metro area. Give Dr. Mike a call! You'll be glad you did!