A client from Denver called My cell phone at 12:45 one Sunday morning a few years back. On the other end of the line was a woman yelling, Dr. Mike please call 911, my cell is not letting me call 911, please help me, my husband is stabbing himself. I quickly made the call to dispatch; her husband was taken to the hospital with non life threatening injuries. This couple had been fighting for several days, and the wife could no longer take it. She was now fighting back to save her sanity! The arguments now took a turn for the worse; wars of words now became personal attacks from both sides.
The next day, as I listened to the woman on the other end of the line, with her complaints about her husband and her marriage, and how she could no longer take it anymore...his controlling ways, he told her what she could read, what she could watch on television, what she could cook, who her friends could be, what she could wear, he didn't allow me to wear makeup, I stopped her, and then asked her, Is this the end of the world? Or are you having a bad day?
There was a pause on the other end of the line, and then she said it depends on which side of the fence you’re on. I have heard all negatives, and nothing positive or optimistic about your situation, I said. Did you hear what I said, she asked? Yes, of course I did! My question that rocked her world was, "... why did you allow your husband to take away your life?" Why is he so controlling over you that you can't think for yourself?
Immediately, I heard all her excuses. He would yell at me if I read romance novels, so I stopped reading them at home. I would have to go to the library with my kids to read them there. So, you were being sneaky, and is that who you really are? No, she quickly responded. So, you allowed him to tell you what to wear? Yes...he would tell me to wear three t-shirts and wrap a sweater around my waist, everyday. If I didn't do what he said, I would be shamed into submission. He felt that I was dressing for other men, so he made dam sure I wasn't attractive to other men, same reason he would not allow me to wear make-up! I had the poorest self esteem whenever he made his demands of me. He took away any support that I had in my friends, he made sure that I had no one to talk to. I felt so alone where we lived.
He hated everyone in my immediate family, my mother who helped us financially, even when the power was about to be turned off, he wouldn't allow her to even visit my kids or her grand kids, my dad, was attacked constantly. So, what did you do, I asked her? I gave away my freedom; I willingly and knowingly gave it away. So, I would no longer be brow beaten into his way of thinking, and I eventually did. My life is hopeless, I have given up, and I have no more energy left to fight! I can't do it any longer as she began to cry on the phone.
So, what are your prospects, where do you go from here, I asked? I honestly don't know, she said! Well, you have a ton of options, did you know that? I sure don't feel like it, she responded. Well you do. So, I proceeded to let her know all the options I could think of. This is what I had on my list:
1. File for legal separation
2. Get intense counseling for you and your children
3. Set your boundaries and stick with them
5. Start living again, find some healthy friends
6. Do some fun things with your kids, go to park and let them play, twice a week.
7. Start going back to church, get the kids involved
8. Get into a support group of women who can help you be accountable
9. Reconnect with family and friends, they will understand
10. Make some goals for yourself, be realistic and make healthy goals
11. Couple counseling when you’re ready
12. Have a girls' night out with friends
13. Read and study books on boundaries and co-dependency
14. Have some fun, watch comedy movies, and television shows
15. Reconnect with your kids by making meals together, talk at the dinner table.
These are just a few ideas; I know my readers could come up with many as well. I would like to ask you to share some of your ideas, if any of you have been in a controlling relationship, how did you deal with it?
Ask yourself these questions:
· Do I need help in setting my boundaries?
· Do I need to get out of an unhealthy relationship that is killing me emotionally?
· Am I in trouble with my husband, because I don't agree with his way of running the household?
· Is my life upside down because I have no means of support from friends and family?
· Does my husband tell me what I can read, watch on TV, or how I should dress?
If you have asked yourself any of these questions, you can contact Dr. Mike for help in setting up boundaries for yourself.
If you would like some help in setting up boundaries in your life, or if the relationship that you're in is not going well, you can contact Dr. Mike at 303.456.0555, Life Coaching is done over the phone, so there is no reason to leave your home or office.
How does Life Coaching work? You'll meet once a week, by phone, for a one-on-one conference, usually 45 minutes a session. In each phone conference you'll plan and review, together, each of your "Focus Goals" and action areas. In each session, you'll also receive support and guidance in creating the right attitudes and motivation in the area's that you want to work on most. In addition to the weekly phone conferences, you'll also communicate by e-mail, so you'll have help and support throughout the week.
If you need more information about the Professional Accountability Partner Program, call 303.456.0555 or go to contact Mike link to set up a free consultation appointment. Dr. Mike's website is [url=http://www.applicablecoaching.com" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;]http://www.applicablecoaching.com[/url] all calls are confidential and your privacy is protected. Check out Mike's blog at:
http://applicablecoaching.com/blog.php
I always welcome your thoughts and comments on today's coaching article. Mike is also available for speaking engagements.
