Did I really say that! By Dr. Michael Brooks

Did I really say that! By Dr. Michael Brooks

It was a hot steamy late August night back in Wisconsin, I could hear the yelling and screaming between two couples at the apartment complex I was living at. He was blaming her and she was blaming him. I could also hear a small child crying in the background. I looked at the clock and it was 11:30 and I was wondering when the police would show up. They continued to argue for several minutes. She would keep reminding him of his past mistakes as a husband, he didn't spend time with her, he hung around his friends, and he didn't do anything with their son. The entire complex heard how upset she was, and he wasn't about to let her faults go unchecked. He started yelling how unfit she was as a mother. She didn't keep the apartment clean, she never washed the clothes, and she didn't know how to cook. I grew tired of this argument and closed my window.

I tried going back to sleep, but it was hard. Listening to people fighting and the reasons it had to be taken outside for everyone to hear was beyond me. Reminding a spouse of their past mistakes is just plain wrong. It happens all the time, its used as a king of spades card from time to time. I have used it, and felt pretty low after I did. My clients share many stories where they have used the "I will not forget your mistakes" card. It has only caused heartache and in some cases of Divorce.

Why is it we use hurtful words to win battles with our spouses? I have wondered that through the years. In my coaching and counseling practice, I have asked that question several times of my clients. The answer I get for the most part is - “... he made me say the things I did!" Really, I ask. So, you have no control over your tongue and it's his fault for the things you say in an argument? It's amazing how many times I hear this said in my office. It's just an excuse that has to stop! War of words has no victors, only losers.

If a man or woman can control their tongue, most of their arguments they have will be over issues that need to be addressed and not past mistakes or failures the other has made. We all have areas in our lives that we want to keep hidden from our spouses, friends and family members. Many carry hurts that have been with them for years. They don't know how to deal with them and it grows like a cancer until it either causes bitterness and the relationship ends, or you forgive and move on with your life. Did you know you can control your forgiveness towards others? It’s in your hands. If you fail to forgive others, then the situation controls you and you are stuck in a minefield of past hurts, waiting to explode if someone ever crosses you. People will avoid you; they will not have anything to do with you.

I feel time is too short to be bitter and hold grudges towards each other. I'm sure we all have some people in our lives we just couldn't get along with. No matter how hard we tried. I have learned that no matter how upset I may get, I have full control of what I say. I know how the tongue can destroy people; I see it everyday at my office when talking to clients in person or on the phone. I care for those who have been slammed by an uncontrolled tongue. I have been in their shoes as well.

Controlling the tongue has been a problem since the beginning of time; it’s mentioned in the Bible in several places! If you can't control your tongue you can part ways with friendships, families, co-workers, lose your job, lose your marriage, and lose your life.

I had a client who went to his aunt's funeral with his wife. They sat in the front row with the family while the preacher of a lets say, of a questionable church in a small community. The preacher repeatedly said "if Gloria could sit up in her casket and say..." Well, this was said three times and on the third time the pastor said it, my client (who had trouble keeping control of his tongue) stood up and said in a loud voice, "She's dead; she will not sit up in her casket. She's dead!" He took his wife's hand and walked out of the church. Can you imagine how this split the family? Many will not talk with him to this day. Keeping control of your tongue will keep you out of trouble.

Do you have a difficult time in controlling your tongue? Have you lost friendships over things you have said? Do you want to restore any of those friendships? Do you blurt out things that are offensive and embarrassing? If you answered yes to any of these questions, I can help you plan on how to control these embarrassing moments that have affected your life. Life Coaching will help you put a working plan together that helps you know what triggers outbursts, or not thinking what you are about to say.

In addition, online/phone Master Life Coaching is affordable, accessible, anonymous, and available by appointment, from the privacy of your own home. Avoid the travel and time it takes to get my office. Since you never have to leave the comfort of your own home to meet with me, your anonymity and privacy is completely secured and protected. I have many out of state clients who prefer this means of coaching, this is the most effective means for Life Coaching for those of you who live out of the Denver-metro area or are out of the state of Colorado. I also have Skype, it’s another way to set up a meeting so we can talk, contact me if your interested in setting up a Skype appointment.

If you want to get more information about the Life Coaching Program, call me at 303.456.0555 or e-mail Dr. Mike at to set up a free consultation. All calls are confidential and your privacy is protected.

Good message Dr. Mike! In the heat of the moment it is very difficult to control the tongue, but you are right, the effects can last a lifetime!

Thanks for the good advice!

I am curious about your thoughts about forgiveness factor from someone else that would let a relationship go over a small issue? It is hard to know where the line is. I always try to tell myself that you cannot lose your manners completely even if you feel justified. But we all lose it sometimes. That is when I know I have a true friend, when they love you even when you do make a mistake. Like in this situation the people were grieving so I would put some blame on others that would not talk to someone over something that small. Especially if they apologized for the mistake?

I had a client who went to his aunt's funeral with his wife. They sat in the front row with the family while the preacher of a lets say, of a questionable church in a small community. The preacher repeatedly said "if Gloria could sit up in her casket and say..." Well, this was said three times and on the third time the pastor said it, my client (who had trouble keeping control of his tongue) stood up and said in a loud voice, "She's dead; she will not sit up in her casket. She's dead!" He took his wife's hand and walked out of the church. Can you imagine how this split the family? Many will not talk with him to this day. Keeping control of your tongue will keep you out of trouble.

I am interested in your thoughts on the other side of the subject. Thank you Dr. Mike.