What follows is official US Navy message traffic from COMNAVSAFECEN. The events chronicled in the message are not funny but there's a certain dark humor in the way the events are documented that makes me unable to suppress the urge to giggle... I'm a bad human being and I'll surely burn in hell for laughing...
R 141429Z NOV 14 ZYB
FM COMNAVSAFECEN NORFOLK VA
TO ALSAFE
BT
UNCLAS
ALSAFE 061/14
SECINFO/U/-//
MSGID/GENADMIN/COMNAVSAFECEN/00/NOV//
SUBJ/SUMMARY OF MISHAPS//
GENTEXT/REMARKS/1. WELCOME TO THE LATEST EDITION OF THE FRIDAY
FUNNIES, MORE ENDINGS TO THE ADAGE THAT BEGINS, "IF AT FIRST YOU
DON'T SUCCEED..." THE USUAL VERSION CONTINUES, "TRY, TRY
AGAIN." OURS GOES, "YELL FOR HELP AND FETCH THE FIRST-AID KIT."
A. AN E-6 ELECTRONICS TECHNICIAN WAS BUILDING BEEHIVE FRAMES IN
HIS GARAGE.
NOTE: THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME A BEE-RELATED ITEM HAS
APPEARED IN THE FUNNIES. IN THE PAST, THESE TRUE-LIFE
ADVENTURES ALWAYS INVOLVED STINGING INSECTS INSERTING THEMSELVES
IN SOMEONE'S SHIRT OR MOTORCYCLE HELMET AND TRIGGERING OFF
DAMAGE FAR BEYOND A SINGLE STING.
OUR WOODWORKING PETTY OFFICER APPEARED TO BE WELL-EQUIPPED
FOR THE TASK AT HAND: HE PUT ON SAFETY GLASSES, A TIGHT-FITTING
LONG-SLEEVE SHIRT, A DUST MASK AND DOUBLE HEARING PROTECTION. HE
THEN DELIBERATELY UNDERMINED ALL OF THESE ADMIRABLE EFFORTS BY
REMOVING THE MANUFACTURER-INSTALLED SAFETY GUARD BECAUSE IT WAS
"INCONVENIENT" WHEN CUTTING SMALL PIECES OF WOOD.
EVERYTHING WAS FINE FOR TWO HOURS BECAUSE HE WAS, THE REPORT
SAID, "CAREFUL TO ENSURE HIS FINGERS DID NOT COME IN CONTACT
WITH THE BLADE." THEN HE BECAME LESS CAREFUL AND WAS INSTANTLY
NOTIFIED OF THIS LAPSE VIA HIS RIGHT INDEX FINGER (ATOP A 2-INCH
BY 1.5-INCH PIECE OF TRIM) HITTING THE SPINNING BLADE. HE
SLAPPED ON SOME BANDAGES, UNPLUGGED THE SAW AND HAD HIS ROOMMATE
TAKE HIM TO THE E.R. FOR SOME STITCHES.
HE HAD ALSO BEEN WEARING STEEL-TOE BOOTS, WHICH WOULD HAVE
BEEN PERFECT HAD HE BEEN PUSHING THE WOOD WITH HIS FOOT.
B. IN THE GALLEY ON A MOORED DESTROYER, AN E-5 MACHINIST'S MATE
WAS INSPECTING A STEAM KETTLE, LOOKING FOR LEAKS AROUND THE
DRAIN PLUG. PRESUMABLY THE STEAM KETTLE WAS OPERATIONAL AT THE
TIME, BECAUSE WHEN HE SLIPPED, HE SCALDED HIS ARM ON IT. THIS
MADE HIM "JUMP FORWARD," THE REPORT EXPLAINED, WITH SUCH VIM
THAT HE BANGED HIS NOGGIN ON A BULKHEAD AND KNOCKED HIMSELF OUT.
NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU'RE HAVING ONE OF "THOSE DAYS,"
REMEMBER THIS ONE.
C. IN THE MOOD FOR A MYSTERY? EXCELLENT. WE CAN KILL TWO
BIRDS WITH ONE STONE AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR QUARTERLY RISK-O-
MATIC OP CHECK AT THE SAME TIME. PUT ON YOUR DEERSTALKER, GRAB
YOUR MAGNIFYING GLASS, SET YOUR RISK-O-MATIC TO "TEST," AND TURN
DOWN THE VOLUME A BIT. HERE WE GO.
IT IS 10 P.M. AN E-5 HOSPITAL CORPSMAN IS AT HOME IN HIS
SECOND-STORY APARTMENT WITH HIS ROOMMATE. HE DECIDES TO WALK
OUT ONTO THE BALCONY (IF YOUR RISK-O-MATIC ISN'T BLARING, CHECK
THE BATTERIES). HE TRIPS OVER SOME FIREWOOD THAT, THE REPORT
SAYS, "HE DID NOT NOTICE ON THE BALCONY FLOOR." HE CAN'T STOP
HIS FORWARD MOMENTUM, MAKES A GRAB FOR THE WALL OR RAILING, AND
TOPPLES OVER. SEVENTEEN FEET LATER, HE IS ON THE GROUND WITH
BROKEN BONES IN HIS BACK AND ANKLE, THANKING HIS LUCKY STARS
THAT HIS NEXT STOP ISN'T A WHEELCHAIR OR THE MORGUE.
IS THAT ALL IT TAKES - SOMETHING STORED ON A BALCONY - TO TIP
PEOPLE OVER THE SIDE? IF SO, I'D THINK IT WOULD HAPPEN MUCH
MORE OFTEN.
"CAUSE: UNDETERMINED DUE TO INSUFFICIENT FACTS," THE REPORT
CONCLUDED.
SIGH.
D. AT 0130 IN WASHINGTON STATE, AN AIRMAN WAS HEADING HOME FROM
A NIGHT CLUB. ON THE PLUS SIDE, HE WAS WEARING HIS SEATBELT.
ON THE MINUS SIDE, HIS B.A.C. WAS 0.14. THAT'S A MIGHTY BIG
MINUS, YOU'LL AGREE.
HIS FITNESS FOR HIS HIGHWAY ADVENTURE WAS APPARENT BECAUSE HE
WANTED TO HEAD NORTH BUT WENT SOUTH. HE TOOK THE NEXT EXIT AND,
THE REPORT SAID, "DROVE IN CIRCLES" LOOKING FOR THE NORTHBOUND
RAMP
ON THE PLUS SIDE, HE HAD A SMART-PHONE NAVIGATION APP. ON
THE MINUS SIDE, THE PHONE WASN'T SMART ENOUGH TO ASK HIM, "HEY,
YOU AREN'T TRYING TO DRIVE WHILE READING THIS, ARE YOU?" AND
HE, OF COURSE, WASN'T THINKING CLEARLY ENOUGH TO PULL OVER.
BUSILY ABSORBING CRITICAL NAVIGATIONAL DATA, HE CRESTED A
HILL AT 45 MPH, COULDN'T STOP FOR THE RAPIDLY APPROACHING T-
INTERSECTION, HIT A GUARD RAIL AND BANGED DOWN A TREE-STUDDED,
30-FOOT HILL. THE CAR, HAVING SHED EXACTLY $12,275 IN VALUE,
CAME TO REST UPSIDE DOWN IN SOMEONE'S YARD.
THANKS TO AIR BAGS AND THE AFOREMENTIONED SEATBELT, HE
ESCAPED SERIOUS INJURY (UNLIKE HIS CAR-INSURANCE BILL).
2. THAT'S ALL FOR THIS TIME, SPORTS FANS. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK
FOR MORE THINGS YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO, DON'T WANT TO DO, AND (WE
TRUST) AREN'T GOING TO DO.//
