One Reason Non-Farmers Should Not Have Electric Fences

As reported by a retired Electricians Mate:

"We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the wooden fence around the backyard.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long solid copper ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft.into the ground. The ground rod is the
key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire to the electric fence is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the
charger so I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the
way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the
running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a deep cycle marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on
fire on the cover.

Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my wedding tackle trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my
brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was
literally at one with the engine. It seemed as though the fence charger and the piece of crap lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Up until this point I had subscribed to the Scientific knowledge that says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about
electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of crap chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.

At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run
rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze
die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its driver's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging
God to kill me. God did not take me that day.. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some
carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't
understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my
security system will do to him, Come On Sucker! And THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check the electric fence charger everytime before I mow!"