Squirrel infestations at Houses of Worship during the pandemic
The Presbyterian Church called a meeting about what to do about a squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consultation, they decided that the squirrels were predestined to be there and that the church should not interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide going into the baptistry so that the squirrels could drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide, however, and they knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many came the following week.
The Lutheran Church decided that they were in no position to harm any of God's creatures, so they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free next to the Baptist Church building. The squirrels returned, however, when the Baptists took down the slide the next week.
The Episcopalians, however, tried something unique. They set out pans of whiskey, hoping that the squirrels would kill themselves by alcohol poisoning. They sadly learnt how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
The Catholics baptized them and made them members of the church. Now they only come around at Christmas and Easter.
At the synagogue, they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
