Metaphorically Speaking

These analogies are the winning entries in a 1999 Washington Post humor contest, and there are more than 25. If anyone cares about proper attribution, the names of the original authors of these amusing analogies can be found on the following webpage: Week 310: It’s Like This. They were originally published on Sunday, March 14, 1999 and each analogy is accompanied by the name and city of the original author.

You might also notice that many of the winning entries do not appear in the email list that has the bogus title, “The 25 Funniest Analogies (Collected by High School English Teachers)”.
The email (as I can't access the Washington Post article to post the rest of them):

The beauty of creative writing. Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays in order to have them published and sent out for the amusement of other teachers across the country.
Recent winners:
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled around inside his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the kind of wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who goes blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like the sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

11. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling west at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. traveling east at a speed of 35 mph.

13. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

14. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

15. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

16. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

17. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

18. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

19. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

20. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

21. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

22. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

23. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

24. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

25. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

26. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

27. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

My favorite was #4 (surprise, surprise!) but #15 and 17 made me laugh too. Glad you guys liked them!