What Parents Can Learn From Prison Guards

Food for thought...(I'm guilty of saying #1 a lot, although I do usually put a please with it!)

http://motherjones.com/media/2011/06/pa ... son-guards
What Parents Can Learn From Prison Guards
Advice on how to ensure "voluntary compliance" from your kids—no tear gas involved.
— By Dave Gilson
Fri Jun. 17, 2011

Some of the best parenting advice I've ever gotten was from a website for prison guards. There, amid the Taser ads and tales of prison gangs, I came across an article that changed the way I think about being a dad.

The article, "7 things never to say to anyone, and why", listed common statements used by prison guards and police officers and explained why they make people do the exact opposite of what they're being told to do. The seven things were:

1. "Hey you! Come here!"

2. "Calm down!"

3. "I'm not going to tell you again!"

4. "Be more reasonable!"

5. "Because those are the rules!"

6. "What's your problem?"

7. "What do you want me to do about it?"

If you've ever been a child or have your own, you undoubtedly recognize those as the greatest hits of the pissed-off parent. The list was compiled by Dr. George "Rhino" Thompson, an English professor-turned-cop whose theory of "tactical communications" has been packaged into a training program called Verbal Judo that's been used by prisons and police departments across the country. Its core principle is that you should never say what first comes to mind, especially when you're angry. "The most dangerous weapon you have is not the 9-millimeter or the .357 or the Ithaca pump shotgun," Thompson says in one of his instructional clips. "No! The most dangerous weapon is the cocked tongue."

I don't mean to belittle the hardships of prison or exaggerate the irritations of family life. But as a parent, your job is to care for, feed, and protect people who find themselves in a situation where they don't make the rules and from which they can't escape. Being a parent sometimes means enforcing lights out, serving unpalatable meals, confiscating contraband, and punishing infractions by rescinding privileges or using the kiddie equivalent of solitary: the quiet corner/chair/room. You have to manage ever-shifting alliances and rivalries between siblings, with their turf battles, insider lingo, idiosyncratic concepts of fairness, and the fashioning of weapons from household objects. You're often overworked, outnumbered, and outwitted. Yet if all goes well, your kids do their time and enter the outside world with the values and skills they need to survive.

No matter how mad or frustrated you are, you can—and should—communicate in a way that conveys respect and empathy. While such courtesy may feel like a concession of authority, it is actually the best way to keep control of the situation. If you stay calm, your kids are more likely to cool down. (Bonus points if you acknowledge their feelings and explain the consequences of their behavior.)

Is it weird subjecting your kids to communication strategies designed to talk down angry convicts? I don't think so. In fact, it's striking how much overlap there is between Thompson's message and that of Positive Discipline, a parenting philosophy that shuns traditional yell-and-punish techniques for a more touchy-feely approach in which parents try to understand the emotions behind kids' actions. Both are based on the idea that empathy and steadiness aren't mutually exclusive. As Jane Nelson, one of the advocates of Positive Discipline, states, "If you're being too kind without being firm, you're probably being too permissive. And if you're being firm without being kind, you're probably being controlling and disrespectful."

Keep that in mind the next time you're ready to tell your kids to go the **** to sleep.