We can't know for sure what boozy revelations will spill forth when our politicians put on the beer goggles and tell us what they see inside themselves. But there's no harm in taking a few educated guesses:
Newt Gingrich: "The thing is I'm brilliant—dazzlingly brilliant. I'm dazzled by my own brilliance. I'm so dazzled sometimes I can't see where I'm going. I bumped right into Paul Ryan's budget proposal. I'm a deer in my own headlights."
Mitch Daniels: "I could solve America's problems. But I won't. Know why? Americans like their problems... Am I really too short to be president?"
Herman Cain: "What you learn when you run Godfather's Pizza is what you need to know about American politics. No anchovies. That's what the Democrats are offering America—anchovies. Some people say they like anchovies. They're lying."
Michael Bloomberg: "America's broke. I have a lot of money. You do the arithmetic. Anybody feel a draft in here?"
Hillary Clinton: "Men! Moammar Gadhafi! Bashar Assad! Kim Jong Il! It's the damn men. Barkeep, make that a double."
Mitt Romney (with apologies for making him violate his religious principles by taking a drink): "I'm a technocrat. I fix problems. I fix a problem whether the problem exists or not. Like health care in Massachusetts. It wasn't a problem. I fixed that."
Tim Pawlenty: "Look, I'm just trying to get out of Minnesota. Wouldn't you?"
Barack Obama: "I give everybody hope. I give everybody change. I give everybody health insurance. I save the banking system. I stimulate the economy. I provide America with a living example of how we've overcome our history of racism. And the only thanks I get is when I kill Beardo-the-Weirdo while he's locked in his hidey-hole watching porn and not doing jack."
Sarah Palin: "Maybe I will run for president. It'd make a great YouTube video."
—Mr. O'Rourke's many books include "Don't Vote—It Just Encourages the Bastards.""
