jmc wrote: Sorry if this sounds really lame but what is a DH?
It also means "Designated Hitter". My ex-husband taught me to call someone a "DH, and that doesn't mean designated hitter!" I still use that phrase to this day.
I don't want to tell you want to do, nor do I like giving advice because a lot of times that advice if used backfires and the person giving it ends up being blamed for any problems that happen (example: "you told me to say or do this, and it didn't work so it is your fault everything is wrong now"). However, I have had excellent results personally using the confrontation format listed below I was taught almost 17 years ago.
It is perfectly OK for you to say to the Buddy's wife:
When you ignore us (whatever the action is you are referring to), I feel sad/angry/whatever (make sure it is a feeling not a thought...the feelings are happy, sad, fear, angry, lonely, and shame). I would like it if you wouldn't ignore me (or whatever the action you prefer is).
NOTE: The underlined words represent blanks where you insert whatever type of information is in parenthesis after these areas.
Caution: When you use this confrontation format, there are a couple of things to remember:
1) You must use the words almost verbatim...substituting anything else, especially a thought for the feeling won't work and will likely end in angry words from one or both parties.
2) You must be specific when describing the action they are doing and the action you wish they would do. And the actions must be actions...not feelings (I wish you wouldn't get angry doesn't work...but I wish you would tell me you are angry does work).
3) You must NOT say anything else after what it is you wish they would do, such as snide comments or "because...".
4) After you confront her, depending on what her response is...either answer OK or just walk away or if she is willing to calmly, respectfully discuss it, then discuss it with her. Then, if she is unable or unwilling to change or do something else, let it go. You made your wants and needs known in a respectful way...the rest is entirely up to her.
Why does this format work so well? Because, you are pointing the finger back at yourself and not at the individual you are confronting...instead of saying "You make me angry" you are saying "I am angry..." so hopefully (it doesn't always work) the person you are confronting is less defensive.
Confronting someone is not easy...but it is healing and using this format then letting it go will allow you to not carry around the resentment and pain.
Sounds like psycho-babble above...but this confrontation format works real well for all involved.
It sounds to me as if Buddy's wife is a control freak and has to be in control of all things at all times. And when she isn't, she gets angry at anyone else around. Because she doesn't recognize this anger as a cover for fear, pain, or shame (which is likely what she is really feeling), she acts out towards others making it seem easier for her to "control" the situation. When in reality, if she were to acknowledge her fear, pain, or shame, she wouldn't need to control the situation and hopefully wouldn't cover it up with anger.
I know you want her to get her own just desserts...but that is your pain and anger and carrying that around with you isn't good for you, either spiritually or physically.
You can even confront Buddy's wife and ask her what she would have wanted DH to do in that situation and ask her if she is angry at you. If you do not ask her why she is behaving the way she is, and assume you think it is because DH didn't call her...well, that might not be the reason at all. So find out why she is ignoring you all first, then try to explain to her that both of you did what you felt was necessary in the situation and you would like at least a "Thank You" for the time, money, and angst you all have dealt with in this situation. Again, she may be unable or unwilling to give you a Thank You or apologize... You told her what your wants and needs are and if she can't or won't listen or do what you ask, that is all on her. Just give her God's Blessings and walk away calmly without anger.
I know this isn't what you asked for...but it is what I'd do in the situation.
"Now, more than ever, the illusions of division threaten our very existence. We all know the truth: more connects us than separates us. But in times of crisis the wise build bridges, while the foolish build barriers. We must find a way to look after one another as if we were one single tribe.” -King T'Challa, Black Panther
The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it. ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is. ~Winston Churchill
Thanks, CB. By the time I read your entry, I was pretty much over it. She is what she is--her mother. She and her husband are the only people in her family who speak to her mother. Apparently her mother is very domineering and unfortunately she has - GASP! - become her mother.
I decided to just let it go. Life's too short to obsess over this.
But, very good advice and I will certainly find occasion to use it for something else.
