CONIFER — To start at the beginning, Aphrodite doesn’t like Hera’s dog, Cerberus.
...on Oct. 20, Aphrodite was picking up her children from their play date and attempted to turn around in Hera’s driveway, getting stuck in the process and purportedly “knocking rocks from the rock wall” and “digging her tires into the road.” Hera called JCSO and asked deputies to banish Aphrodite from her driveway.
Thanks for listening
CONIFER — Daughter was furious with Mom and called JCSO so that deputies could be furious with Mom, too. Daughter called from a brand-new cell phone because she and Mom had recently gotten into (another) argument, and Mom had (cruelly and unfairly) removed Daughter’s old cell phone from her calling plan.
Three’s a crowd
EVERGREEN — Boyfriend and Girlfriend share a house with a male roommate. It was after 2 a.m. on Oct. 20 when Girlfriend and Roommate got done “drinking at the bars” and slopped home to find the side door locked. Girlfriend and Roommate found that “strange” because Boyfriend “never locks that door.”
When their drunken knocking finally persuaded Boyfriend to let them inside, Girlfriend observed that he came to the door “carrying the dog” and seemed “upset for some reason.”
A cigar is just a cigar
EVERGREEN — It seemed a small thing, she told deputies., but she feared the worst. A stranger had come to her door looking for his “Frisbee,” which he thought might have strayed into her backyard. However, the only way his Frisbee could only have strayed into backyard is if he’d been playing with it in her woody and precipitous neighborhood. Because her woody and precipitous neighborhood aren’t generally conducive to Frisbee-playing, she suspected the errant disc was nothing more than a transparent ruse by which he could “case” her house and grounds.
CONIFER — At first blush it all seemed straight up and five-by-five. The man who called on Dec. 12 claimed to represent the tech company she customarily consults on all matters computer. He recited the names of several IT agents who were familiar to her, and even referenced the correct date of her last service. He told her it was necessary to update her software, for which function he’d require remote access to her computer.
CONIFER — Back in 2015, she purchased a Smith & Wesson M&P 9mm handgun. A couple of years later she packed up the gun along with the rest of her belongings and moved into a friend’s house in Pleasant Park. Long about August of this year she decided her friend was, in fact, a jerk, and removed herself and her worldly possessions to an address in Denver. On Dec. 9, she finally got around to opening the carton containing her handgun only to find that it contained nothing of the sort.
Nothing to sneeze at
EVERGREEN — The good news is that on Dec. 11 the package he ordered online finally arrived. The bad news is that he found it sitting wide open on top of his mailbox.
Fare tonight, increasing clods by morning
EVERGREEN — After an evening spent partying heartily in the Queen City of the Plains, young Blutarsky prudently opted for a taxi ride home. Rather less prudently, he first insisted on sitting in front next to the driver, but was rebuffed by the equally prudent woman behind the wheel. Unfortunately, it’s a long trip from LoDo to South Jeffco, which gave Blutarsky ample time to chat up the long-suffering cabby, filling the vehicle with alcohol fumes and crude bluster, repeatedly caressing her shoulders, and persistently suggesting she “come inside and party with me.”
CONIFER — In the blithe way of callow youth, Marcia left her dirty laundry on the bathroom floor.
Big Brother was watching
CONIFER — It was nearing 11 p.m. when the doorbell rang. Opening the front door, she discovered three paving stones staring up at her from the “Welcome” mat. Stepping outside to investigate, she further discovered the center of an ornamental shrub torn from its anchor and lying on the porch in fresh-scented ruin.
SOUTH TURKEY CREEK — Back in December, a neighbor had called to warn that he smelled gas coming from the complainant’s side of the fence. Nosing around the yard, the complainant found the valve on his 1,000-pound propane tank damaged and footprints in the snow all around it.
Love in bloom
EVERGREEN — It was more creepy than crimey.
I can do one BETTER....many years ago (around early 2000)….we lived in Wasilia.Alaska.
The Daily News Miner, in Fairbanks, police blotter reported this..... call came in with reports of gun shots in the area of Chena Hot Springs Rd.....(out skirts of town)….Officer dispatched, knocks on the cabin door....door opens, officer says we have a report of gun shots, just wanting to make sure all is ok.....from the doorway of the cabin.guy says '' yea, I'm ok, I just got pissed off at my lawyer and shot the phone.....officer peers into interior of cabin, the wall phone is dangling from the wall. shot to smithereens …….
DEER CREEK CANYON — Driving to work on the morning of April 29, an astute observer couldn’t help noticing that the portable roadside lavatory on the corner of South Deer Creek Canyon Road was significantly more public than it had been just the day before.
Trials of job
PINE — Oppressed Worker called JCSO to complain that her boss puts the “mean” in means of production.
Self-serve severance package
EVERGREEN — On the morning of May 1, deputies were asked to dig into a case of professional pilferage. According to an aggrieved contractor, a certain employee with “a history of being very confrontational” had recently been accused of stealing a subcontractor’s drill from a job site.
Through the looking glass
EVERGREEN — The gentleman believed himself to be the innocent object of sinister scrutiny. According to his report of April 30, somebody tried to “pry” open the deadbolt on his apartment door, which was only the latest in an unsettling series of dastardly doings that have plagued him for months.
AGAIN, Fairbanks Daily Newsminer (summer 2001)........Two mountain climbers from New Jersey are attempting to climb DENALI at summer solstice.....at that latitude/longitude the sun shines about 22 hours at that time of year....dispatch for 911 gets call......"need help,evacuate us
we are terribly sunburned and can't make it"....dispatch says chopper is not available till
tomorrow morning...on another emergency .......they had to "tuff" it till then......