So you want to have an affair? (relationships)

Interesting topic. I didn't read it but then I saw it was at 2 pages and had to take a look.

DrMike wrote:
Any thoughts on why people have affairs?

Validation of some sort, looking for something outside of themselves instead of inside.

Sometimes, I think the affair-haver is simply wanting to 'prove' they are not good enough to be in that particular relationship. Or maybe it's that once they've had the affair, they feel they have earned the right to leave due to their lying and cheating.

It could be a way of keeping the partner at a distance too. I know someone who continually has affairs once he's 'bagged' his initial interest. Then he moves onto the next woman, and then the next one. Usually, the women know about each other and usually, they all stay friends at some level. It's weird to watch!

Why do people have affairs?

Conquest. Something new. Something forbidden. Something exciting.

Dr. Mike said: "Why does someone continue to want to believe in a lying partner? Many have no place to go or anyone to turn to. Its very embarrassing to admit failure to family and friends, so the cover up begins! Then that partner starts to lie to the children, to family friends, co-workers, even their own family. They make excuses, defend the partner out of loyalty, and pray that the one they married comes back to their senses."

This (correct) information goes to the heart of why it's a problem to decide whether or not to tell the unsuspecting "other" partner to the marriage: how can you find the words to say "Your life and everything it's standing upon is in jeopardy? and has been for a long time? while everyone around you has been lamenting how unfair it is to you and how much you don't deserve it?"

Usually the "secret" of the cheating partner becomes the "secret" of friends who innocently come into the unwanted information, because none of them want to hurt the partner who has stayed loyal (foolish) despite what they probably should have noticed.

In my experience, the cheating partner may even want to be "busted" and choose someone to "hit on" that is close to the marriage -- a sister, co-worker or a "best friend," for instance -- thereby increasing the odds that the spouse will discover the (intended or actual) infidelity, along with the tension that person feels in regard to telling the innocent partner. For these folks, it's a whole dynamic of "control" issues, not just a quest for a new sexual or emotional experience with someone outside the marriage. It seems they are trying to "say something" through their behavior, that they can't otherwise express to their partner.

Now I'm getting cranky...I need help...haven't heard from Dr. Mike (PM me Doc!) and everybody seems curious or wants to speculate about why people have affairs to begin with. It's too late for me! And there doesn't have to be rhyme or reason or planning or premeditation behind it. It can be as innocent as your wife's beautiful little sister visiting from college for the holidays. A few cups of egg nog with cognac, wife turns in early, sis snuggles up next to you on the couch and the next thing you know...Santa's coming!

Or your wife's cousin can call. She's having car problems and her husband is off on a business trip. You go over to her house, hood's up and you're bent over struggling with a surpentine belt when all of a sudden yours is being unbuckled from behind! Bang head on hood, then bang cousin on the trunk. It can be that innocent...that easy.

You don't have to be looking for it. A lot of times it will find you is my point. The neighbor knocks at the door asking to borrow some petroleum jelly (knowing full well the wife and daughters are away visiting grandma). And even grandma can...oh, forget that one.

Come on friends, this is serious. I thought this was kind of a special board where I could get some professional advice. Now I feel like a patient in an examination room with his shorts down when the proctologist yells out to his staff, "Hey, come in here and take a look at this!"

Dr. Mike????

JusSayin wrote: Dr. Mike????

Dr. Mike has apparently decided that staying professional would behoove him more than to join in on the fun. I think that's a position that we can all respect.

Either that or he's too busy documenting you as a textbook example of the old "Brains gone south to the crotch" syndrome.

My advice to you is to sprinkle salt peter in your coffee until your wife dumps your busy butt in the gutter. Then you are free to go after her sister and cousin again guilt free.

I think people also have affairs to feel loved, wanted and worthy -things they aren't getting at home.

Justsayin- Just thought I'd let you know - that wasn't a rectal thermometer either. Pretty flower though!

dmcdd this is not the ring. Please keep that in mind.

Affairs, can provide a sense of security, but hiding a relationship based on lies and secrets, seldom lasts very long. Infatuation plays a key role in most affairs. I had one client who admitted to having an affair for several months, his was based on lack of communication with his wife. When couples can communicate knowing what they say is valued and appreciated, this often times can prevent affairs. Excuses I have heard from some of my clients:
1. I feel so alive with this person, I haven't felt this way in years!
2. I feel wanted and loved by this person.
3. As long as know one knows about it, what's the harm.
4. If I get caught, then I will stop.
5. I know its wrong, but I need to be in this relationship for self worth.
How would you handle finding out that your spouse is cheating on you? Would you seek getting help, file for divorce, leave?

Signs of a cheating spouse:
11) Deletes all incoming e-mails when they used to accumulate.

12) He becomes "accusatory," asking if you are being true to him, usually out of guilt.

13) Raises hypothetical questions such as, "Do you think it's possible to love more than one person at a time?"

14) He buys himself new underwear.

15) He insists the child seat, toys, etc., are kept out of his car.

16) The cheating wife stops wearing her wedding ring.

17) Has a sudden desire to be helpful with the laundry.

18) Has unexplained scratches or bruises on his or her neck or back.

19) Suddenly wants to try new love techniques.

20) He/she fairly suddenly stops having sex with you.

That's all well and good Dr. Mike (and I must admit to being guilty of #14 as well as #17 thru #19), but you're avoiding my real issue: I believe my wife tried to get even with me and now I'm quite certain our new baby is not mine!

I love my wife and don't want to lose her...a jolly big woman who knows what goes where and why is hard to find. But geesh, how can I live with this? I'm afraid to make the matter worse by demanding a paternity test--which I don't really need anyway, all I need to do is look at the little guy, and I do mean 'little' if you know what I mean, and I'm certain he couldn't have come from my loins.

I think I'm going insane!

CinnamonGirl wrote: dmcdd this is not the ring. Please keep that in mind.

Sorry, I'll be good :thumbsup: