You know you are a conservative if......

1) if anyone disagrees with you, they are a "Democrat."

2) if anyone argues with you, they are a "Liberal."

3) if they argue with you and actually present data (formerly known as "debating"), shrug it off as "propaganda from the Liberal Media."

4) if you cannot rebut the argument pick on details such as misspellings, improper punctuation or taglines.

5) If your opponent has an unrefutable argument, change the subject/deflect.

6) if your opponent consistently overturns your "correct" stories (anything from FauxNews, WorldNutDaily, NewsMax, RedState, DrudgeReport, ad nauseum), use ad hominem attacks.

7) anyone who puts life over profits is a "tree hugger."

8) anyone who refutes or debates "correct" science (Creationism, Ecological Stability) is a "sky-is-falling" reactionary.

9) anyone who opposes the melding of religion and government is one of the "liberals" who helped create the rampant immorality today.

10) any federal program created by a Democrat, or that "looks" Democratic is "socialistic."

11) dismantling programs and restrictions on spending then sending the money to states as a "block grant" is better than having a standardized Federal program with rules.

12) giving tax money to People is "enslaving them," giving tax money to Corporations is "creating jobs."

13) anything that does not turn a profit for private corporations is "an elitist" operation.

14) always take everything personally.

15) whatever your weakness is, blame it on your opponent.

16) the more narrow and prejudiced your sources, the more you project that onto your opponent.

17) when your opponent attacks a Republican/conservative President's policies, blame them on a Democratic Congress (or vice versa); immediately find a "They did it too" example.

18) when quoting your opponent, edit his words to conform to "correctness."

19) anyone who reads anything beyond "the Limbaugh Letter" is an "ivory tower intellectual."

20) when all else fails, lie.

"21 Rules For Being A Good Conservative"

1) You have to believe that the nation's 8-year unprecedented prosperity under Bill Clinton was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but that today's gas prices are all Obama's fault.

2) You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

3) You have to be against government programs, but expect your Social Security checks on time.

4) You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives, yet you want government to regulate only opposite-gender marriages, what a woman does with her uterus, and what your official language should be.

5) You have to believe that pollution is OK so long as it makes a profit.

6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha or the Goddess.

7) You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

8) You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multi-national corporations should have no regulation or interference whatsoever.

9) You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, Muslims and Obama.

10) You have to believe that society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you wouldn't vote for a black candidate for president.

11) You have to believe that it was great to allow Ken Starr to spend $90 million dollars to attack Clinton because no other U.S. politicians have been unfaithful to their wives.

12) You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all Americans.

13) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.

14) You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because they defend the Constitution, while the NRA is good because they defend the Constitution.

15) You have to believe that socialism hasn't worked anywhere, and that Europe doesn't exist.

16) You have to believe the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we ignore it, it will go away.

17) You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is good reading.

18) You have to believe that radical Muslims have killed more Americans than handguns, alcohol, and tobacco.

19) You have to believe that even though governments have supported the arts for 5000 years and that most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such support. After all, the rich can afford to buy their own and the poor don't need any.

20) You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests and the extinction of the several species of plants and animals in them because it allows logging companies to add to their profit margin.

21) You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt Gingrich, Rudy Giuliani, Rush Limbaugh, Mark Stanford, and John McCain for their marital infidelities, but that bastard Clinton should have been impeached.

"The 20 Rules of Conservatives: Masters of their own Domain!"

1) Conservatives are good, you are bad.
2) Conservatives are right, you are wrong.
3) Conservatives are sane, you are not.
4) Conservatives know humor. You do not.
5) Conservatives are humble. You are arrogant.
6) Conservatives are interesting. You are boring.
7) Conservatives tell the truth. You can't handle the truth.
8) Conservatives know all about you. You know nothing of conservatives.
9) Conservatives are the ultimate arbiter of politeness. You are rude.
10) The comments of conservatives are pointed. Yours are pointless.
11) The sayings of conservatives are full and sufficient. Yours require details and citations.
12) Conservatives' unsubstantiated statements must be accepted as gospel. Yours must be immediately retracted.
13) Conservatives pin demeaning nicknames and constantly use them on the opposition. Your doing so only shows your desperation.
14) Conservatives are defined by their inconsistencies. Your inconsistency defeats your arguments.
15) Conservatives ape your tactics with no compunction. Your tactics are out of line.
16) Conservatives are secure in their omniscience. You are merely out to impress.
17) What therefore God hath joined together, let conservatives put asunder that they may smite their enemies as "liberals."
18) Unless cornered, conservatives always must have last word.
19) Conservatives may hold grudges forever. You must get over it.
20) Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A CONSERVATIVE
By John Gray

Joe gets up at 6:00am to prepare his morning coffee. He fills his pot full of good clean drinking water because some liberal fought for minimum water quality standards.

He takes his daily medication with his first swallow of coffee. His medications are safe to take because some liberal fought to insure their safety and work as advertised.

All but $10.00 of his medications are paid for by his employers medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance, now Joe gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs this day. Joe's bacon is safe to eat because some liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.

Joe takes his morning shower reaching for his shampoo; His bottle is properly labeled with every ingredient and the amount of its contents because some liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained. Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some tree-hugging liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air.

He walks to the subway station for his government subsidized ride to work; it saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees. You see, some liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.

Joe begins his work day; he has a good job with excellent pay, medicals benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe's employer pays these standards because Joe's employer doesn't want his employees to call the union.

If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed he'll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some liberal didn't think he should loose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

It's noon time, Joe needs to make a Bank Deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some liberal wanted to protect Joe's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the depression.

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae underwritten Mortgage and his below market federal student loan because some stupid liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime.

Joe is home from work, he plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive to dad's; his car is among the safest in the world because some liberal fought for car safety standards.

He arrives at his boyhood home. He was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers Home Administration because bankers didn't want to make rural loans. The house didn't have electric until some big government liberal stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification. (Those rural Republicans would still be sitting in the dark)

He is happy to see his dad who is now retired. His dad lives on Social Security and his union pension because some liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn't have to. After his visit with dad he gets back in his car for the ride home.

He turns on a radio talk show, the host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good (He doesn't tell Joe that his beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day). Joe agrees, "We don't need those big government liberals ruining our lives; after all, I'm a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have."

Q: How many members of Tea Party does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Ten...
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed
3. One to blame Obama for burning out the light bulb
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either "for" changing the light bulb or "for" darkness
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: "Light Bulb Change Accomplished"
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark
8. One to viciously smear #7
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how the GOP has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along
10. One to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

There... Now we can read competing ideas of what it means to be a liberal, and a teabagger....

Wow. Talk about making a lot of assumptions about what conservatives actually want. Example: hate government but want their Social Security. If you gave conservatives the option to skip payroll taxes and forfeit ss benefits most would take that deal in a minute. Even after paying in to SS for 10 years I would still take that deal. I can invest better than the Fed debt rate.

Well there ya have it.... Its ok to post a humerous piece about liberals, after all it's funny, right? But if you post humorous stuff about conservatives it's construed as an attack against conservatives... Lighten up Fred. I found the list of "You know you are a liberal" pretty funny.

I thought those lists were funny.

I am just trying to dispell untrue rumours.